LDS for Hire
You will never again make fun of a dwarf.
Who is LDS?
They're small, agile, and invisible to the normal person. They work
for the most untraceable form of payment known: gold. They are amoral
and delight in tricking their clients into their demise. If caught,
they are masters of escape, and are subject to no known legal regime.
They are the Leprechaun Death Squad.
Previous Satisfied Clients
LDS has dealt with the rich and famous, poor and unknown. No one
is out of reach, and no one is below their view. It should be taken as
evidence of their professional technique that they have never
been implicated in any of these events.
- The "lone gunmen" on the grassy knoll - actually the LDS at short
range, from the trunk and hood.
- Elvis Presley - reports of alien adbuction are actually unknowing
glimpses of LDS at work.
- John Smith - A CPA from St. Louis, Missouri, USA. Skimmed from the
wrong people.
- Jimmy Hoffa - He is not under Giant's Stadium; he is in a pot of
gold at the end of a rainbow; an example of what happens to those who
refuse payment.
Contacting LDS
There is no consistent way to contact the LDS; spread the word you are
looking for them, and chances are, they'll contact you. There are
certain standards for the tasks they will perform:
- No pets.
- No faeries.
- The result will be death; no pansy "just scare them a little"
jobs.
- Payment is in gold, in ingot form. Non-payment is grounds for
becoming the next client.
- Any attempts to sabotage, capture, kill, or otherwise annoy LDS are
grounds for becoming the current client.
- Contracts are non-negotiable, non-transferable, irrevokable and
unbreakable.
- Capture of a member of LDS does not entitle 3 wishes.
Costs
The typical rate is 1000 troy ounces of gold per client, plus expenses.
Clients with extensive protection command higher prices. Payment must
be made with gold ingots, in a black pot of cast iron or low carbon
steel. Instructions for payment will be delivered upon completion of
the job, complete with itemized bill. Certain contractors may be
required to provide a non-refundable deposit.